Saturday, May 22, 2010

So close

I want to be so close to you
Like there is no beginning or end.

I want to be so close to you
I can feel your heart beating.

I want to be so close to you
That i wont know whether
Its's your heart that's beating or mine.

I want to be so close to you
our chests move together
as we breathe as one.

I want to be so close to you
that when you think, I do it
when I think, you do it.

I want to be so close to you,
there is no you and me.
There is just us.

I want to be so close to you
that there is not two
but One.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dalliance with Surya

It all began that fateful day.. I had seen him for as long as my memory extends but that day was different. I really saw him then and it was a beautiful day for that. because it was a beginning of something quite un-quotidian.

Kept each other company for such a long time, like never before. we admired each other. felt each other. played hide and seek even like good old days. learnt from each other. well , cant speak for him but atleast i learnt. frolicking around, each trying to outdo the other and each succeeding or failing at one point or another.

in that melee, we touched our souls. spoke words and felt emotions no one else could hear or talk. like mother teresa said, it requires silence to touch souls. and so she was right. mine was going places and moving higher and higher..

enjoying each others' company. carefree of the world. no cares about what the world thought about this exclusive mutual admiration society.
he was stunning and grand and beautiful. even at his Zenith, in all his splendour, despite being painful to watch him, he was awesome.

Then came the Nadir... time for him to go. Contradictory as this may sound, i liked the way he looked when he was leaving. he was gentler somehow, trying to say he would miss me too while he was away at the other end of the world enchanting another. despite being hermetic, ours was quite open. there is always enough love to go around.

When the last of him was finally gone, i was left in darkness. But this darkness was also somehow beautiful. because i could feel his presence in his absence. he left, teaching me to appreciate the beauty and power and gentleness of everything around me, even in the darkness. his absence made me realise how overpowering yet spacious his presence was.

Look closer. what seems absent might actually be present and what is visible might not be what you are looking for.
Ah! Surya.. How he had left me with much food for thought and cud to chew upon until his return.
Return he will for sure. This i know. he is ubiquitous. You just have to take the first step sometimes. and you'll see.. he's there for you always... :)

Fantasies & Urgencies

*sigh*... this life is too short for all the things i want to do... My wish is to have multiple MEs.... so each one can go out and do one of the million things i want to do.... and then they all come back together and compile all their experiences into the main brain and then based on the analysis and decisions accordingly they split out again and embark on another journey in a squillion different directions...
Life is so short.. so many things to do.So many things i want to do. Such a chasm between what you want to do and what you need to do at a particular point in time, is there not?!

There is this constant sense of urgency. This constant feeling that i am running. hurrying and scurrying here and there, to and fro.But i am never satisfied with what i have accomplished. I do feel a sense of satisfaction when i finish something but i am always hurrying onto the next thing to do.. But is it wrong to have this insatiable feeling?
Drives me crazy sometimes...sometimes i feel i just cant keep pace with this insatiability.. and sometimes I just give up. In a way, it's good. It's like the pit stop where i rejuvenate myself. Stop running and smell the flowers. Then i get satiated with the feeling of 'doing nothing' so to speak and again am running hither and thither.... keeping pace with the Urgency.....

Friday, May 14, 2010

Psychic Prison

Stuck inside my head
Hearing only my voice
Dripping with anger and hatred
my real feelings
Vengeance. Fear. Violence.
Bubbling and simmering within
Threatening to overflow
from the emotional jacuzzi
that's gently massaging the negativity
Crooning with the scars.
painfully removing the scabs
that took an eternity to reach.
Re-opening the wounds
which having been forcefully pushed
to the very depths of my sub-conscious
thinking that
I'd ensured their return never.

All till you came along.
You who have created
this box I am in .
Which i can't break out of.
This vicious cycle
of negativity and mental violence
that has me trapped.
This Psychic Prison
you'v created all for me
without any bars.
All with your emotional blackmail.
Misusing my trust in you
which is now replaced
with fear.
Fear, so strong
it has only now allowed
expression of the emotions.
Pent up over time.
Gushing out stronger than ever.
With intensity-impossible.
Bursting out in all directions.
In red, black and yellow.
And suddenly.
All too soon, I've mellowed.

Nothing left inside. Emptiness.
Tired of this pendulum.
Swinging within.
From one temple to the other.
To and fro.
Back and forth.

I sit blank.
Numb and dead.
Wish the anger
returned to rejuvenate.
To make me feel alive again.

See ,
How you have me chained?
Have me craving?
How you have carved
a dark,
Vile and Evil
niche for yourself
from where you watch me.
As I squirm and drown
in this quicksand
of rage.
A bottomless pit.
At the end of which
is my escape.
My Freedom.
From You.


Alone on the edge
of a serene lake
She smiles a smile
Oh so fake!

Thoughts racing through
Inside her head
To and fro
Dont know at all
What she said

Confused and frustrated
Angry and outraged
Stifled and suffocated
dialectic thoughts
Tearing at each other
Pulling and pushing
Tugging and shoving
Ripping her apart
Her mind and her heart...

Till at Last...
After struggling
With the past
She overcomes her
innermost fears
Vices and insecurities
leading to a light
oh so very bright
Inisde her heart
In the deepest lairs

She sits in peace
Wind sifting through her hair
A spark in her eyes
As with relief she sighs

She sits by the lake
Smiles a smile
Oh so not fake!
After a long long while...

Awaiting the next drop
in her inner lake
to cause ripples
Inside, deep.. Deep

But till then,
She rejoices
In the serenity
Of her insanity...

Tuesday, May 04, 2010


Like the warm sun rays on a cold winter morning
Like chocolate on a sad day
Like a cold shower on a hot day
Like hot spicy soup on a chilly night
Like the happy ending of a book
Like the surprises on a dull day
Like the hot tub and a nap after a tiring day
Like the smell of first rains on parched land
Like the feel of the thick sweater when a cold wind blows
Like the smell of the Night Queen during a nocturnal stroll
Like the rush of doing something prohibited.
Like the rush of doing something for the very first time
Like a cool breeze on a humid day
Like the tickling sensation of sand moving under your feet at the beach
Like the grand feeling of walking amidst the falling leaves
Like the joy of meeting a friend after ages
Like the excitement of finding a new idea
Like the pride in finishing something well
Like the reassuring hug during a tense moment
Like the tummy ache after guffawing and laughing for eons
Like the impish grin when I think of something mischievous
Like the productive feeling of having had a useful day
Like the ecstasy of receiving your first salary
Like the satisfaction in helping someone
Like the addiction of holding a child and causing her to smile
Like the immense happiness of knowing that someone loves you
Like the awkwardness after a new haircut
Like the first bite into a bar of chocolate that is all yours
Like the nervousness before the first kiss
Like the contentment after a thoroughly ravishing home-cooked meal
Like the laziness of being in bed on a late sunday morning
Like the peace of finishing a good piece of creative writing
Like the joy in getting compliments about your writing
Like the excitement in organizing a surprise bash for your best friend
Like the peace and comfort of being in your lover's arms
Like the joy in making one's parents happy
Like the saddistic joy in annoying one's younger brother
Like the feeling of first raindrops of on your face
Like the joy in doing childish acts
Like the instant salivation on seeing ice-cream

Like the honour of knowing and having You.
You, who are,
Like nothing or no-one else I know.

sandgrains slipping away...

Sitting here in a room
looking out at the night
hearing the vehicles roar away
On a road nearby, unseen,
with people in them
all with their own story
Amazing how many stories there are
All going together
deviating and integrating constantly
without them even realizing
the clock's ticking away
tick tock tick tock
time's passing by
faster than any of those vehicles out there
rolling away all night long
it aint waiting for nobody
no matter how good or bad
how stupid or smart dont matter
the brainy realize this secret
utilize the sandgrains slipping
through the hourglass of life,
to the best of their ability.
the ignorant stand on the sidelines, and
watch as everything crosses them,
assuming its going to stop and wait,
just at their simplest gesture,
ignorant because they know not
what they dont know.
wise because they know that they dont know,
realize and acknowledge it,
that's what keeps them going,
in pace with the sandgrains,
if not faster..... 

Monday, May 03, 2010

the wait...

It is the 10th of some month. Lost track. Its hot. So it must be one of the summer months.

The waiting. The ticking clock. Counting nano seconds. Milli-seconds. Seconds. Minutes. quarter of an hour. Half an hour. one hour. many hours. a few more . A day. two more. A week. Some more go by. 

A month. A quarter of a year. half a year. An entire year. 

And so today, another day dawns. Dull as ever. 

But wait. Is it The Day? The Time? 

Where? where is the calendar? i want to know what Now is.

Somebody tell me.


Is it only the 11th of the same some month? 

How did only one day pass? just twenty-four hours?

It felt so long. like Forever.

My mind went on a whirlwind tour.

*sigh*... another one of many that has escaped me these past long hours.

Oh! dear one!dear Sailor!

Return soon. 

Ask the waves to carry you ashore. 

Here, where I wait eagerly. 

With love, hugs and affection galore. 

Till then, 

all I do, 

Is wait. 

For multiple eternities

To pass me by....

one crazy day!

It keeps hitting me like an avalanche of thousand boulders how difficult it is to swim against the current even among those in the current or atleast those who proclaim they are. It takes everything in me to not just give up and go away to some place comfortable and convenient. The differences keep showing their ugly (or beautiful, depending on my mood) heads in such stupid places and yet its important for them to show up at one level. They want to be understood but are always misunderstood and somewhere they themselves are to be blamed. They open up when they aint ready at all.

We are SuPPoseD to hide who we truly are (who are we truly?! who i am at this point is also a part of me! but then i guess i am trying to 'hide' this other side of me that i like being most of the time?!!!) for the sake of not hurting those who love and care for us. Sometimes i think i am not ready for this world.. or rather this world isnt ready for me (did that just sound arrogant??! but i really sometimes feel that...! i have to grope and find my niches...) but then again, it never will be till i do something about it, will it?! Some parts of of me which i really like and enjoy being, are soo indecent and beyond all realms of decorum set by society today. Why does everything we do , think or Be have to be sooo fuckin decided by others? By this very society that i want to change? HOw can i change something if i allow it to constantly influence me? I want to be doing the! This just doesnt make sense!

I was dreaming small. Then was asked to dream big..didnt relent.... but learnt, saw, thought, analyzed and automatically things turned bigger.... to a higher level of understanding... a deeper meaning of what i want to do.... but somewhere in the process of this growth and 'self-googling' , moderation seems to have been lost in me (but then again moderation in whose eyes i say??!! whose?!) ...i cant seem to be grounded... i am pulled and tugged in those higher extreme directions that my thoughts are going towards....but reality and conditioning and so called love and family and religion and fkcing society have be chained somehow....and somehow i cant seem to loosen it or break.. it always comes back to haunt me....

i love my dreams and passions.. they are the fire in my life... they are what move me to places higher than i ever dreamed..even in my dreams!.... change my life.. keep me alive.. move me to tears... keep me strong... But sometimes i just want to be 'unbothered' by these i can be carefree.. but then again the feeling of being carefree when so much is on out there just pulls me back.. my dreams define me in many ways...letting them go seems to leave me lost...

This society, as someone rightly said, is a process of hypnosis... it takes everything in one to break free of it... tests everything u ever knew or thought you knew.... and its so essential to break free of this to figure out who you are and what your potential is, what you are capable of and then we just might know what we want to do(if we dont already that is!)... but then realising ur full potential will also probably lead to more confusion.... u can do soooo many things.... !! where to start..i havent realised my full potential... but what little i am aware of.of myself, i know i can do soo many things!
Woow! the things we are capable of... its awe inspiring! i just wish people would put to a better use.... but then again what is 'better'?! why do i keep cross-questioning myself like this?! hehe!

Do u know.. thinking is tiring... especially when its full of oppostion... from within you itself... should become an exercise in those crash diet programs where people somehw never seem satisfied with their bodies for some matter how beautiful and people make money on that insecurity!! urrgh!
)ok have to stop now(

some days like today just begin and end crazy... dont know where my thoughts will lead me.. dont know if i will ever resolve these questions and doubts...if i will ever know what i am looking for and if i will find it.. and then some other days i am soo absolutely sure of myself. it stuns me too...! like everything's gonna turn out right... :)
But i guess till these 'down' crazy days come, we will never really appreciate the 'up' peaceful days eh?! :)

Alarming Alarm

Wake up!
Wake up!
The alarm's ringing.
Do you not hear it?
It isn't the ordinary alarm
you set for every morning
to wake up
to begin another day
This alarm should disturb
Your very rhythm of life
not just your REM
Its an alarming alarm
Alarms me
how you're so wanton
This is no ordinary alarm
It's a damned caveat
to get out of your rigmarole
Pare it all off
the plugs from your ears
the blinds from your eyes
the stone off your heart

Reach out
to all the creatures
walking the face of this Earth
And i mean even the humans.
Be not afraid
You have nothing to lose
and only everything to gain
forget the mores
Make this earth consummate
before it becomes a dystopia
and all one can hear
are awful dirges from nature
rather than the euphonious
melodies that emerge today
that we so rejoice in.

Silent Amour

He gives off
quiet glances
furtive glances
cheeky looks
looks lovingly
loving looks
from the corner of his eyes
at Her.
Throughout the day
She can feel his eyes
on her face.
on her body
as she talks.
following her every move.
She ignores
his visual pleas
Even though she feels.
she's toying with him.
And so They play
this daily charade
Till one day,
to his amazement
she meets his eye.
And silently,
amidst all the kerfuffle,
All is spoken, that none can hear.
Love emitting
endless rays in all directions.
enveloping Them in a gentle warmth.

Internal eruptions

Listen to yourself
Yes! You!
your thoughts and
your heart, and
its beating and thumping
Sometimes you might
get confused. Which is which?
but does it matter?
It's what you really want.
Don't get me wrong.
I am not talking
about your superficial
thoughts and voices in your head.
I am talking about that
which arises from deep within
and erupts silently.
If you don't pay attention
and make a habit
of ignoring it regularly
(unlike so many
other regular obnoxiousness)
it will stop forever.
It wont speak anymore.
to You.
It will bury itself
deep inside and wont come
NO matter how much you plead.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Tornadoes of the Mind

Reality? Realities? one world? dual? mutliple? 

perception. personality. mind. amygdala. heart. tears. hot. eyes.
vision. blurry. future. uncertain. certain. fear. freedom. rush. adrenaline. junkie. 
adventure. unknown. primitive. away. isolated. excluded. peace. 
non-mainstream. strength. courage. resistance. fantasy. duplication. standardization. factory. control.
power. politics. injustice. inhuman. dehumanization. numb. opium.
religion. bogus. hypocrisy. needless. shady. black. dark. illusion. mirage. self. oasis. 
divinity. within. without. love. content. satisfied. comfort. 
goodness. natural. inherent. higher. promotion. state-of-mind. 
fickle. fluctuation. unstable. crazy. eccentricity. escape. 
trap. society. hypnosis. process. evil. difficult. barren. superstition. 
broken. soon. necessity. who? how? where? when? what? why? which? 
chaos. confusion. anarchy. life. creativity. subjective. relative. dynamic. 
dynamite. explosive. violence. means. ends. blood. grotesque.
ugly. beauty. skin deep. conditioner. conditioning.
brainwashing. questioning. introspection. interrogation. examining. rift. 
abnormality. unusual. anger. frustration. abandonment. ideas.
blockades. threats. face. physical. mental. emotional. intellectual. 
futility. fatalistic. give-in. 
grit. determination. return. retaliate.
possibilities. victory. monotone. death.
synthesis. thesis. anti-thesis.