Them.

That one digit. The one number.

The one missed mouse click .

That letter of the alphabet.

All those commas, full-stops and semicolons.

That letter you forgot.

The phone call you missed.

That awful note that was writ.

The phone call you made.

That song. That trip. That meeting.

The person you befriended.

The person you loved. And the person you gave your heart to.

That question. And that regrettable answer.

The indicator you didn't put on.

Worse still, the helmet that you didn't.

The wrong turn on the road.

Worse still in life.

That step in the rain. Leading to immense pain.

The talk you had. The words said and those left unsaid.

That one hour.

The innocent nap. That fib.

That night. That extra shot.

The look. Oh that smooth drag.

The smile. the touch.

The decision. That surrender.

The non belief. The trust. The mistrust.

Him. Her. It.

Them. They.

Is and was. If's n but's.

Mistakes! Mistakes! Mistakes!

There's another one.

That thought.

They're lessons learnt

Never to be forgotten.

Make them. Learn from them.

Forget them. Ignore them.

Build on them. Correct them.

Take advantage of them.

Do anything.

But don’t regret them.

Certainly Uncertain

Oh! the Tugging! 

How it pulls me forward.

while leaving a piece of me behind.

like the cloth stuck on a nail
while the rest rips ahead.


The uncertainty of it all

causing chaos and havoc

in the now.
in the  mind.

Not knowing what to do.

stranded at a crossroads

uncertain which way to go.

no signal or signboards.

Breathless and heavy.

angry and of everything, wary.

suddenly it all seems scary.
trying to find my bearings.
as the needle
of the compass of my life
sways to and fro.
like
a crazy pendulum.


While I wait
for equilibrium,
I travel the corners.
The extremities.
The middle paths.
See it all.
See myself.
Feel every sinew.
blown to smithereens.
under this uncertainty,
that is always certain.


This uncertainty, so erratic.
yet paradoxically systematic.
Making you feel infinitesimally small.
and frightened.
Rips through your confident demeanour.
breaks you down.
bit by bit.


Yet,
Some other times,
it takes you on a high
from where you can see
the entire world.
the entire direction.
and you begin
to think you Know.


Then, the entire ground
and the world you saw
slip from beneath your feet
and you just keep falling.
All the direction gone.
all the Knowing gone.
in the blink of an eye.
it all vanished.


I vanished.
In between all the falling,
I became someone else.
I am somewhere else.
From where,
there is a new world.
A new direction.


Yet again,
slapping it on my face,
there is no such thing as
Being Certain.

Caveat

Cigarette butts.
Strewn across the ground.
Symbolic.
of how much closer
you're moving to that state.
of burning out
and becoming ash.
First inside.Slowly corroding.
Then all too soon,
smoke billows
as they burn you.
Your corpse.

Tree stumps.
dotting the earth.
till the horizon.
Making the beauty
look sickly, ugly.
as you rape off
all her ornaments
to anoint your home.
Symbolic the sight is,
of what is happening
to you. your body.
As it creeps in.
your blood and skin,
defiled and polluted.
succumbing to disease.
despair and death.

Black serpents.
winding their way
through crumbling land.
poison made by you.
Blue,  Life-giving compassion,
provoked into
dark, outraged curses.
As negativity creeps into others,
these once rivers,
today pollute the ocean as well.
increasing their poisonous prevalence.
As you carry on
blissfully unaware.

They can sew. they can cook.
they can love and they can heal.
These very hands can
also hit and kill.
Don't challenge them.
You will start a war
which you are intended to lose.
Embrace them instead
and get enriched.
with diversity.
that difference adding
all the spice in life you need.

All analogies, good and bad
From nature.
She gives us all,
from life to language.
She will also take away all.
Heed her.
Don't test her tolerance.
Don't test those who love her.
They will give their lives for her
but
not before they take you
down a few pegs
give you a taste
of your own medicine.
You will not like it.

Now, You are warned.
Beware.

He

He aPPeaRs. He diSaPPeaRs
hE sEEs. He IgNoReS
He sMiLeS. hE fRoWnS
He TaLkS. He is SiLeNt
he LOveS. he hATEs
He'S IntEREsted. he's bOrEd
hE's duLL. HE's ExCiTeD
he's straight. He's TwIsTEd
He is NOTHING!
he is everything.

Encounter

A corner in the dark

Away from the nocturnal hustle bustle

Groping for each other

He pulls her hip towards him

She inhales his fragrance

Searches for something

beyond the lust in his eyes

kissing and feeling

orifices galore.

Stars and moon as witness.

Something is set off.

More base than she

ever cared to imagine.

And they played out 

their carnal fantasies

and lost themselves

in the midnight blue,

Ah! what an orgasmic hue!

Under the stars

deaf to the wind

that whistles in their ears.

Lost time and space

as they lived out an eternity.

In a moment.

A fraction of a moment.

A blank one.

Nothing except,

the highest pleasure.

And as quickly as it began, 

it ended.

The pleasure, as well as,

the pain that accompanies it.

Lingering and tingling, all over.

Until the next time, 

their urges pull them 

to another dark corner. 

Somewhere. Somehow.

The Theory of Disempowerment

He is oblivious of the entire world, he is so into her. That is because he is in her. He’s been there since a few months and has a few more to go. But he is the king. Nay, he is god. He thinks and everything around adjusts to suit him. He feels cold. The mother’s body temperature increases to warm him. If he is hungry, food rushes through that tube straight to his mouth. He needn’t lift a finger! This is god state.

A few months later, he is welcomed to the world with great pomp and joy. But it seems not so simple anymore to get his simple needs fulfilled. He has to cry and coo to make his wants known. A little less godly now aren’t you?

A few more years later, even the cooing and crying isn’t understood. He requires picking up the words and sentences being spoken around him by others so he can know how to tell them what it is that he desires. Even less divine now.

And so on, life goes. He begins to negotiate with all those around him in order to get his things done. 

This means the power is no longer within his hands but is dependent on others. Becoming more and more ordinary, less and less divine as each day, week, month and year proceeds, he learns Co-operate & compromise.

This is the theory of disempowerment.

This is the story of us all.

We grow to accept the ordinary self, not realising that we are within. Superior to everything. With the power to create. We need only visualise. We are so scared to even visualise a reality different from what we see around us each day.

We can create another life. How powerful are we then? Why need we hesitate? Only realise that inside is where we are and proceed with the confidence of divinity that will come from building your inner confidence and courage.

 Being brave and seeing a future like none other. If need be, for another.

This is the reversing of the disempowerment.

There will always be pulls and tugs and powerful ones at that, to bring us back to the ordinary, disempowered state. Because it makes others uneasy to see another excel and overcome the ordinary state they are wallowing in. This is the same reason why many a time we don’t reveal our knowledge as it makes others uncomfortable. Everybody is out to just make everybody else remain where they are, in the same old rut!

We are beyond that! We are power. We are supremo! We are divine. All within. Realise it. . Harness it. Be not afraid.

We can reverse the long process of disempowerment, if we just awaken our inner eye to our self.

 Now.




(Dedicated to Rajendra Jani, my boss for introducing this to me!)

Eye of the Tornado

Tears thrashing down like waterfalls/ unknown is the reason/ and so ending there is none/ fear of self awakens/ fear of the consequences of the self awakening/ fear of the unknown/ fear of sitting still and knowing the enigma that is the self/ fear of the self alone/ discomfort with the mundane/ pushing towards the esoteric/ repulsion oozing out/for the self/for the other within the self/for the wants/for the desires/for the feeling/for the existence/for the monotony/for the expectation/then/a crack/right across the centre/the last straw/Reeling under the pressure/of keeping it all together/to seem normal/to conform to the non-conformity/to stay stable/to stay unaware of the extreme awareness/ of the excruciating feeling & emotion/in order to remain sane/to find the sanity in the insanity/to continue without knowing why and yet knowing/to visualise and realise what is at the depths/to be satisfied and content/to develop and find the simplicity amidst the complexity/oh profound simplicity/you are but a chimera/

The Tornado explained.

I enter the bathroom. I see the tap. For the Nth time.Water trickling away.I turn it off. For the Nth time.  Every single time i enter and leave this noxious place. The speed of the trickle isn't enough to even move away the strands of hair that lie around, the black standing out starkly against the white. But the speed is enough to set off a train of nervous thoughts in my head. The scale of the situation across the world opens up in my head like an excel spreadsheet that i am so tired of seeing in the techno-crazy classes. How in a million places across this globe that is our home, people are dying of thirst. Those images of people surviving on water that has been drawn and filtered from the gutters around them. How they are denied water on the grounds of something as illogical as caste and occupation by another group of people who seem to think they rule their world (which is so minuscule, their well.)

Children. Younger, livelier, healthier. Better off than millions. Privileged. Educated. And yet, what do i see? they are throwing covers and wrappers strewn across a beautiful campus that is supposed to be one of the temples of knowledge. That is supposed to be shaping the future minds that will direct our country in a better direction. If they are like this. what education are we giving. And what I am seeing is a minute fraction of this kind of population. And then images of the millions of schools across the world pop up in my head where the kind of factory schooling is taking place where children are being brainwashed so badly they will never be able to unlearn the silent atrocities. How they are inducted into the Culture of Silence. For life. How it will take an eternity for them to realise it and try and come out of the conditioning  and how millions will not. They will just float on in life thinking it is the way and the only way at that. Not realising how much damage has been done to them and how much more damage they will do, all unknowingly.

Bang! Whoosh! Zoop! Firecrackers. It's festival time all around. Beautiful rockets bursting into a riot of colors across the black sky lighting up the faces of many. Many just stop, watch and enjoy the beauty of the rockets - some zipping through the night sky and some sprinkling down in purple red and yellow. I see neither colors nor beauty this time. I see the smoke rising up through the air and adding onto the global warming. Increasing carbon dioxide levels. increasing heat. increasing melting of glaciers. More floods. More tornadoes. more droughts. tsunamis. Earthquakes. The scale of it not allowing enjoyment or appreciation. Just smoke billowing into the atmosphere. And a vision of this planet going up in smoke as well in the near future. time running out and at crazy speeds that maybe impossible to catch up with if we are to save the day,  our life, our planet, our home.

Persons on the street. Small children narrowly escaping death as they move away empty-handed after begging from the vehicles when the signal changes at the crossroads. Some see a huge nexus and mafia behind these children. I see the innocence lost and the childhood ripped apart. I see a wish developing in me to take care of them. People dying of hunger and diseases so very preventable in today's age of advanced technology. People in remote areas never even heard of, living a life from another era of sparse and less, unaware of the single or two digit "growth and development" taking place elsewhere that is also supposed to reach them. People in power using, rather abusing, this situation and completely raping the iota of trust that people still have in them to get them out of this quicksand called life they lead. People unaware continuing to lead lives they have without moving up the need hierarchy! People who become aware being put down by the criminals.

Wake up each morning. Go to work. See so many more things that tug at my heart & soul that i ignore and push away some where so deep that some days it erupts from those depths with such a force that it leaves me thoroughly drained for a long time to come.

I open the newspaper at work. Murders. cold-blooded ones. motives? for shedding light on reality of the so-called visionaries and leaders and administrators of the nation. for going beyond themselves and thinking of something higher. for interfering in matters that are none of his business it seems! Anger. Sadness. Boiling and simmering. Thoughts racing in my head to abandon everything and go out and fight. but practicality and 'sense' return. Patience they tell me. Is it seriously needed or is it just another excuse to postpone?

And then i see and hear people claiming to be educated leading a life so selfish and so self-involved and blissfully ignorant of life at its zenith, of the deeper meaning of waves around them ( not that i am completely aware) that they just refuse to see another's side to the story. Leading me to wonder, how many sides to each story there are? which one am I believing? Am i being judgemental? When am i going to reach the end of this seemingly bottomless pit? Am i doing whatever I am doing just for myself? to hush my guilt pangs? Why do I do what i do and feel so strongly?

And how we, who have everything, seem to be throwing it away and wasting every minute mongering over the most materialistic mundane items when we should be trying to help others achieve at least a fraction of what we have gotten out of life's circumstances. So they can also enjoy some comfort and joy.

You may ask why one should. We haven't taken on the responsibility of the entire world. Thankfully you haven't or else this world would be in worse shambles. This human life is so ephemeral and so short. And when i look at myself (and the millions around me) i find that so many of us, including cowardly me, seem to be using our time effectively on nothing productive. We all seem to be constantly wondering on how we can take the most out of this place before becoming the manure for the cattle. And not on how we can give back what we have got which we take completely for granted. And it is not just a matter of giving back but about a basic concern for another life. And as someone rightly once said, if we cannot give life, what right do we have to take life?

it takes everything to remain positive and keep thinking every single day that something good is possible. Some days it's harder than usual and i succumb to the tornado. Yet i wake up and gather what is left of my hope that was shattered yesterday and piece it together. Just so I can move on in life. To collect the strength to remain & Be. To be something better and thus hopefully be part of the creation of something better.

The hardest part

The hard part is being away from you
The hard part is this restlessness within
The hard part is this craving to touch you
The hard part is still feeling you like a protective shield all around
The hard part is the memories running like movie reel
The hard part is not being able to see you
The hard part is seeing you in everything around
The hard part is stopping the tears of loneliness
The hard part is experiencing life without you around
The hard part is experiencing life only in you
The hard part is knowing you are my life
The hard part is the inability to show my intensity
The hard part is knowing there is no going back
The hard part is knowing there is no undo-ing this
The hard part is knowing you feel the same way and Me not being able to do anything.
The hard part is the gnawing feeling that says this is going to disappear.
The hardest part.....
is just too hard to express.

So close

I want to be so close to you
Like there is no beginning or end.

I want to be so close to you
I can feel your heart beating.

I want to be so close to you
That i wont know whether
Its's your heart that's beating or mine.

I want to be so close to you
our chests move together
as we breathe as one.

I want to be so close to you
that when you think, I do it
when I think, you do it.

I want to be so close to you,
there is no you and me.
There is just us.

I want to be so close to you
that there is not two
but One.

Dalliance with Surya

It all began that fateful day.. I had seen him for as long as my memory extends but that day was different. I really saw him then and it was a beautiful day for that. because it was a beginning of something quite un-quotidian.

Kept each other company for such a long time, like never before. we admired each other. felt each other. played hide and seek even like good old days. learnt from each other. well , cant speak for him but atleast i learnt. frolicking around, each trying to outdo the other and each succeeding or failing at one point or another.

in that melee, we touched our souls. spoke words and felt emotions no one else could hear or talk. like mother teresa said, it requires silence to touch souls. and so she was right. mine was going places and moving higher and higher..

enjoying each others' company. carefree of the world. no cares about what the world thought about this exclusive mutual admiration society.
he was stunning and grand and beautiful. even at his Zenith, in all his splendour, despite being painful to watch him, he was awesome.

Then came the Nadir... time for him to go. Contradictory as this may sound, i liked the way he looked when he was leaving. he was gentler somehow, trying to say he would miss me too while he was away at the other end of the world enchanting another. despite being hermetic, ours was quite open. there is always enough love to go around.

When the last of him was finally gone, i was left in darkness. But this darkness was also somehow beautiful. because i could feel his presence in his absence. he left, teaching me to appreciate the beauty and power and gentleness of everything around me, even in the darkness. his absence made me realise how overpowering yet spacious his presence was.

Look closer. what seems absent might actually be present and what is visible might not be what you are looking for.
Ah! Surya.. How he had left me with much food for thought and cud to chew upon until his return.
Return he will for sure. This i know. he is ubiquitous. You just have to take the first step sometimes. and you'll see.. he's there for you always... :)

Fantasies & Urgencies

*sigh*... this life is too short for all the things i want to do... My wish is to have multiple MEs.... so each one can go out and do one of the million things i want to do.... and then they all come back together and compile all their experiences into the main brain and then based on the analysis and decisions accordingly they split out again and embark on another journey in a squillion different directions...
Life is so short.. so many things to do.So many things i want to do. Such a chasm between what you want to do and what you need to do at a particular point in time, is there not?!

There is this constant sense of urgency. This constant feeling that i am running. hurrying and scurrying here and there, to and fro.But i am never satisfied with what i have accomplished. I do feel a sense of satisfaction when i finish something but i am always hurrying onto the next thing to do.. But is it wrong to have this insatiable feeling?
Drives me crazy sometimes...sometimes i feel i just cant keep pace with this insatiability.. and sometimes I just give up. In a way, it's good. It's like the pit stop where i rejuvenate myself. Stop running and smell the flowers. Then i get satiated with the feeling of 'doing nothing' so to speak and again am running hither and thither.... keeping pace with the Urgency.....

Psychic Prison

Stuck inside my head
Hearing only my voice
Dripping with anger and hatred
my real feelings
Vengeance. Fear. Violence.
Bubbling and simmering within
Threatening to overflow
from the emotional jacuzzi
that's gently massaging the negativity
Crooning with the scars.
painfully removing the scabs
that took an eternity to reach.
Re-opening the wounds
which having been forcefully pushed
to the very depths of my sub-conscious
thinking that
I'd ensured their return never.


All till you came along.
You.
You who have created
this box I am in .
Which i can't break out of.
This vicious cycle
of negativity and mental violence
that has me trapped.
This Psychic Prison
you'v created all for me
without any bars.
All with your emotional blackmail.
Misusing my trust in you
which is now replaced
with fear.
Fear, so strong
it has only now allowed
expression of the emotions.
Pent up over time.
Gushing out stronger than ever.
With intensity-impossible.
Bursting out in all directions.
In red, black and yellow.
And suddenly.
All too soon, I've mellowed.


Nothing left inside. Emptiness.
Tired of this pendulum.
Swinging within.
From one temple to the other.
To and fro.
Back and forth.


I sit blank.
Numb and dead.
Wish the anger
returned to rejuvenate.
To make me feel alive again.


See ,
How you have me chained?
Have me craving?
How you have carved
a dark,
Vile and Evil
niche for yourself
from where you watch me.
As I squirm and drown
in this quicksand
of rage.
A bottomless pit.
At the end of which
is my escape.
My Freedom.
From You.

She.....

Alone on the edge
of a serene lake
She smiles a smile
Oh so fake!

Thoughts racing through
Inside her head
To and fro
Dont know at all
What she said

Confused and frustrated
Angry and outraged
Stifled and suffocated
dialectic thoughts
Tearing at each other
Pulling and pushing
Tugging and shoving
Ripping her apart
Her mind and her heart...

Till at Last...
After struggling
With the past
She overcomes her
innermost fears
Vices and insecurities
leading to a light
oh so very bright
Inisde her heart
In the deepest lairs

She sits in peace
Wind sifting through her hair
A spark in her eyes
As with relief she sighs

She sits by the lake
Smiles a smile
Oh so not fake!
After a long long while...

Awaiting the next drop
in her inner lake
to cause ripples
Inside, deep.. Deep
Inside....

But till then,
She rejoices
In the serenity
Of her insanity...

Like...

Like the warm sun rays on a cold winter morning
Like chocolate on a sad day
Like a cold shower on a hot day
Like hot spicy soup on a chilly night
Like the happy ending of a book
Like the surprises on a dull day
Like the hot tub and a nap after a tiring day
Like the smell of first rains on parched land
Like the feel of the thick sweater when a cold wind blows
Like the smell of the Night Queen during a nocturnal stroll
Like the rush of doing something prohibited.
Like the rush of doing something for the very first time
Like a cool breeze on a humid day
Like the tickling sensation of sand moving under your feet at the beach
Like the grand feeling of walking amidst the falling leaves
Like the joy of meeting a friend after ages
Like the excitement of finding a new idea
Like the pride in finishing something well
Like the reassuring hug during a tense moment
Like the tummy ache after guffawing and laughing for eons
Like the impish grin when I think of something mischievous
Like the productive feeling of having had a useful day
Like the ecstasy of receiving your first salary
Like the satisfaction in helping someone
Like the addiction of holding a child and causing her to smile
Like the immense happiness of knowing that someone loves you
Like the awkwardness after a new haircut
Like the first bite into a bar of chocolate that is all yours
Like the nervousness before the first kiss
Like the contentment after a thoroughly ravishing home-cooked meal
Like the laziness of being in bed on a late sunday morning
Like the peace of finishing a good piece of creative writing
Like the joy in getting compliments about your writing
Like the excitement in organizing a surprise bash for your best friend
Like the peace and comfort of being in your lover's arms
Like the joy in making one's parents happy
Like the saddistic joy in annoying one's younger brother
Like the feeling of first raindrops of on your face
Like the joy in doing childish acts
Like the instant salivation on seeing ice-cream

Like the honour of knowing and having You.
You, who are,
Like nothing or no-one else I know.

sandgrains slipping away...

Sitting here in a room
looking out at the night
hearing the vehicles roar away
On a road nearby, unseen,
with people in them
all with their own story
Amazing how many stories there are
All going together
deviating and integrating constantly
without them even realizing
the clock's ticking away
tick tock tick tock
time's passing by
faster than any of those vehicles out there
rolling away all night long
it aint waiting for nobody
no matter how good or bad
how stupid or smart dont matter
the brainy realize this secret
utilize the sandgrains slipping
through the hourglass of life,
to the best of their ability.
the ignorant stand on the sidelines, and
watch as everything crosses them,
assuming its going to stop and wait,
just at their simplest gesture,
ignorant because they know not
what they dont know.
wise because they know that they dont know,
realize and acknowledge it,
that's what keeps them going,
in pace with the sandgrains,
if not faster..... 

the wait...

It is the 10th of some month. Lost track. Its hot. So it must be one of the summer months.


The waiting. The ticking clock. Counting nano seconds. Milli-seconds. Seconds. Minutes. quarter of an hour. Half an hour. one hour. many hours. a few more . A day. two more. A week. Some more go by. 


A month. A quarter of a year. half a year. An entire year. 


And so today, another day dawns. Dull as ever. 


But wait. Is it The Day? The Time? 


Where? where is the calendar? i want to know what Now is.


Somebody tell me.


What???


Is it only the 11th of the same some month? 


How did only one day pass? just twenty-four hours?


It felt so long. like Forever.


My mind went on a whirlwind tour.


*sigh*... another one of many that has escaped me these past long hours.


Oh! dear one!dear Sailor!


Return soon. 


Ask the waves to carry you ashore. 


Here, where I wait eagerly. 


With love, hugs and affection galore. 


Till then, 


all I do, 


Is wait. 


For multiple eternities


To pass me by....

one crazy day!

It keeps hitting me like an avalanche of thousand boulders how difficult it is to swim against the current even among those in the current or atleast those who proclaim they are. It takes everything in me to not just give up and go away to some place comfortable and convenient. The differences keep showing their ugly (or beautiful, depending on my mood) heads in such stupid places and yet its important for them to show up at one level. They want to be understood but are always misunderstood and somewhere they themselves are to be blamed. They open up when they aint ready at all.

We are SuPPoseD to hide who we truly are (who are we truly?! who i am at this point is also a part of me! but then i guess i am trying to 'hide' this other side of me that i like being most of the time?!!!) for the sake of not hurting those who love and care for us. Sometimes i think i am not ready for this world.. or rather this world isnt ready for me (did that just sound arrogant??! but i really sometimes feel that...! i have to grope and find my niches...) but then again, it never will be till i do something about it, will it?! Some parts of me..parts of me which i really like and enjoy being, are soo indecent and beyond all realms of decorum set by society today. Why does everything we do , think or Be have to be sooo fuckin decided by others? By this very society that i want to change? HOw can i change something if i allow it to constantly influence me? I want to be doing the influencing...fk! This just doesnt make sense!

I was dreaming small. Then was asked to dream big..didnt relent.... but learnt, saw, thought, analyzed and automatically things turned bigger.... to a higher level of understanding... a deeper meaning of what i want to do.... but somewhere in the process of this growth and 'self-googling' , moderation seems to have been lost in me (but then again moderation in whose eyes i say??!! whose?!) ...i cant seem to be grounded... i am pulled and tugged in those higher extreme directions that my thoughts are going towards....but reality and conditioning and so called love and family and religion and fkcing society have be chained somehow....and somehow i cant seem to loosen it or break.. it always comes back to haunt me....

i love my dreams and passions.. they are the fire in my life... they are what move me to places higher than i ever dreamed..even in my dreams!.... change my life.. keep me alive.. move me to tears... keep me strong... But sometimes i just want to be 'unbothered' by these dreams....so i can be carefree.. but then again the feeling of being carefree when so much is on out there just pulls me back.. my dreams define me in many ways...letting them go seems to leave me lost...

This society, as someone rightly said, is a process of hypnosis... it takes everything in one to break free of it... tests everything u ever knew or thought you knew.... and its so essential to break free of this to figure out who you are and what your potential is, what you are capable of and then we just might know what we want to do(if we dont already that is!)... but then realising ur full potential will also probably lead to more confusion.... u can do soooo many things.... !! where to start..i havent realised my full potential... but what little i am aware of.of myself, i know i can do soo many things!
Woow! the things we are capable of... its awe inspiring! i just wish people would put to a better use.... but then again what is 'better'?! why do i keep cross-questioning myself like this?! hehe!

Do u know.. thinking is tiring... especially when its full of oppostion... from within you itself... should become an exercise in those crash diet programs where people somehw never seem satisfied with their bodies for some reason..no matter how beautiful and people make money on that insecurity!! urrgh!
)ok have to stop now(

some days like today just begin and end crazy... dont know where my thoughts will lead me.. dont know if i will ever resolve these questions and doubts...if i will ever know what i am looking for and if i will find it.. and then some other days i am soo absolutely sure of myself. it stuns me too...! like everything's gonna turn out right... :)
But i guess till these 'down' crazy days come, we will never really appreciate the 'up' peaceful days eh?! :)

Alarming Alarm

Wake up!
Wake up!
The alarm's ringing.
Do you not hear it?
It isn't the ordinary alarm
you set for every morning
to wake up
to begin another day
This alarm should disturb
Your very rhythm of life
not just your REM
Its an alarming alarm
Alarms me
how you're so wanton
This is no ordinary alarm
It's a damned caveat
to get out of your rigmarole
Pare it all off
the plugs from your ears
the blinds from your eyes
the stone off your heart

Reach out
to all the creatures
walking the face of this Earth
And i mean even the humans.
Be not afraid
You have nothing to lose
and only everything to gain
forget the mores
Make this earth consummate
before it becomes a dystopia
and all one can hear
are awful dirges from nature
rather than the euphonious
melodies that emerge today
that we so rejoice in.

Silent Amour

He gives off
quiet glances
furtive glances
cheeky looks
looks lovingly
loving looks
from the corner of his eyes
at Her.
Throughout the day
She can feel his eyes
on her face.
on her body
as she talks.
following her every move.
But
She ignores
his visual pleas
Even though she feels.
she's toying with him.
And so They play
this daily charade
Till one day,
to his amazement
she meets his eye.
And silently,
amidst all the kerfuffle,
All is spoken, that none can hear.
Love emitting
endless rays in all directions.
enveloping Them in a gentle warmth.

Internal eruptions

Listen to yourself
Yes! You!
your thoughts and
your heart, and
its beating and thumping
Sometimes you might
get confused. Which is which?
but does it matter?
It's what you really want.
Don't get me wrong.
I am not talking
about your superficial
thoughts and voices in your head.
I am talking about that
which arises from deep within
and erupts silently.
If you don't pay attention
and make a habit
of ignoring it regularly
(unlike so many
other regular obnoxiousness)
it will stop forever.
It wont speak anymore.
to You.
It will bury itself
deep inside and wont come
NO matter how much you plead.

Tornadoes of the Mind

Reality? Realities? one world? dual? mutliple? 

perception. personality. mind. amygdala. heart. tears. hot. eyes.

vision. blurry. future. uncertain. certain. fear. freedom. rush. adrenaline. junkie. 

adventure. unknown. primitive. away. isolated. excluded. peace. 

non-mainstream. strength. courage. resistance. fantasy. duplication. standardization. factory. control.

power. politics. injustice. inhuman. dehumanization. numb. opium.

religion. bogus. hypocrisy. needless. shady. black. dark. illusion. mirage. self. oasis. 

divinity. within. without. love. content. satisfied. comfort. 

goodness. natural. inherent. higher. promotion. state-of-mind. 

fickle. fluctuation. unstable. crazy. eccentricity. escape. 

trap. society. hypnosis. process. evil. difficult. barren. superstition. 

broken. soon. necessity. who? how? where? when? what? why? which? 

chaos. confusion. anarchy. life. creativity. subjective. relative. dynamic. 

dynamite. explosive. violence. means. ends. blood. grotesque.

ugly. beauty. skin deep. conditioner. conditioning.

brainwashing. questioning. introspection. interrogation. examining. rift. 

abnormality. unusual. anger. frustration. abandonment. ideas.

blockades. threats. face. physical. mental. emotional. intellectual. 

futility. fatalistic. give-in. 

grit. determination. return. retaliate.

possibilities. victory. monotone. death.

synthesis. thesis. anti-thesis.

Little One

Fragile and tender
Delicate and pure
Oh! innocence incarnate!
Do i dare carry you?
Urges are so strong
to hold you in my arms.
I fear I might hurt
Those tiny fingers
the minuscule toes
the cute round nose.
Those eyes that bore into me
Melt my heart so.

How amazing a creation you are.
Your mother's an artist
and you, her masterpiece.
Soft pink skin.
big black eyes.
hair all over
to be replaced soon.
small mouth that controls
without speaking any words.
So amazing and wondrous are you
That I am forced to reconsider
if anything more powerful
than oneself
does exist around us after all.

Such perfection. So ethereal.
Makes me wonder
if you're human at all.
Seems almost impossible
That people capable of horror
create something
so heavenly and intricate.

Every move you make
is a wonder to my eyes.
the twitch of your finger
while you sleep oh! so peacefully
the slow curving of your tender lips
into the sweetest smile, ever.
Or the frown on your forehead
when something causing displeasure
appears in your unknown dreams.
Even your blood curdling scream
when you are hungry
or long for your creator.
Even that doesn't cause me
to screw up my face!

What is it in you?
that makes me
want to ensure
the world is worthy of you?
for all times to come?
You. Whom I hardly know.
But you. for whom I would do anything.
Anything for your smile
Anything for your happiness.
I'd fight the world for you.

Little one,
Stay safe and happy.
Your gurgling laughter
Your meaningless babble
are my music.
my peace of mind.
My inspiration
for a better world.
for more like you to come.

First Glimpses & Lost Times

This is dedicated to the ladies in the KGBVs (Kasturba Gandhi Balika Vidyalayas)  in the tribal areas of Madhya Pradesh who gave me the most amazing and memorable times in the most unexpected corners.  The early morning chats around the fires as they cooked for the 100 boisterous girls who had come away from homes to study and learn a different world. The endless questions. The shocked expressions on learning the difference in the world. And the pure love and affection shown in the simplest, most touching manners- a cup of tea on a cold morning made specially for me, the water heated up for me, the special pieces of sweets, the walks to the market to get me something to remember them by (as if I would need to be reminded!). That Blue Chain around my ankle is my constant source of peace and agitation to definitely do something for people like Ginabai. Who love a stranger unconditionally. So easily. It stuns me when i think of it everyday. Ginabai and the Ladies - - - I miss you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I look out the window
at the moving scenery
Into the pseudo-darkness
I see hills far into the distance
Like a mirage in the desert.
Shimmering in the first rays
of this new day.

Not a soul in sight
Left or right.
Seemed such a sorry plight.
And then,
They appeared.
tall, dark and significant.
And starkly beautiful.
Seemed like life emerging
out of a deep dead cemetery.
dark, thick, misty and ominous.
Yet full of hope.

And as the sun
showeth its glory
on this desert land,
I came to realise,
It wasn't all sand.
There was greenery.
Majestic mountains.Sublime trees.
beautiful smiles.

And strange and unknown
as this land so is,
it evoked nostalgia.
Of a people
who became my own.
In another similar strange harsh land.
In a short period of time.
Unlike any other kind.
And that warmed my heart.
On a cold winter dawn.
Encouraged my feet.
To take the step.
The many many steps.
Towards a better future.
All in remembrance
of those wonderful people.

This is what you are to me...

This was written by Vatsala Sharma, my soul sister... to me.... :) :) :) and its dedicated back to her.... :-*



They seek friend in their companion
but i got companion in you my friend!
you stand right next to me
invisible you are yet strongly
i feel your presence evidently
giving me space to be me
similar in so many ways are we

You can see my unshed tears
all my deep down fears
thus i call you my comfort zone
i look for you when am alone

You are my missing link
between who i am and what i think
you are my inspiration
to seek my own explanation
(of what is and what was)
This is what you are to me
an elixir of life indeed.

So what if...

I don't love you. So what if
I just happen to remember you every minute?

I don't love you. So what if
My heart skips a beat when you say my name?

I don't love you. So what if
I feel my mind drifting to you
when I can't sleep?

I don't love you. So what if
I lose sleep in those never ending thoughts of you?

I don't love you. So what if
all I do is wait for you to arrive and
imagine you walking through those gates,
Into my arms?

I don't love you. So what if
your smile and voice warm my heart up.
And make me feel good inside?

I don't love you. So what if
I keep fantasizing of what all we'll do
when we're together?

I don't love you. So what if
I want to sit with you holding your hand?

I don't love you. So what if
I crave for your touch and your arms around me?

I don't love you. So what if
I'm saying this
just to be safe?

So what if I don't say I love you?
Can you not see?
How I show it?
My eyes scanning everywhere for you.
My lips thirsting for you.
My touch as it caresses you.

Must I say it as well?
Must words always be the sign?
Can you not feel it?
Enveloping you all the time?

So what if I don't say it?

I live it.

W.U.U

Wish you'd understand
My ignoring is me giving space.

Wish you'd understand
This ignoring is killing me.

Wish you'd understand
I just need recognition.
From you.

Wish you'd understand
the unsaid things thundering to be said
in a million ways except speech.

Wish you'd understand
I want you. I wish for you.

Wish you'd understand
My frustration is this distance.
Geographic and cardiac.

Wish you'd understand
How you haunt my dreams.
Day and Night.

Wish you'd understand
How this stargazer
sees you.
In the focus of her gaze.

Wish you'd understand
How everything seems bland.
Till you come along.

Wish you'd understand
That you ought to give me a chance.

Wish you'd understand
That every time I do something
I long for you.
Adjacent to me.

Hope you've understood.
Some understanding is all I ask.

All this.
I wish.
Don't understand why.
Wish I understood.

In Between

Wind blowing through my hair
Earth damp beneath me
Grass tickling my toes
Sounds of leaves crumbling under me
The random creeper swishing past my ear
Walking through the troupe of dancing leaves
Telling me you're about to enter
Entire nature colluding
To send me the message
of the arrival of your affection.

Stomach in knots
Butterflies flapping wildly inside
breathing becomes difficult
tongue becomes too thick
fingers tremble and knees shiver
Eyes stare at a spot on the wall
hair straightens and shines
throat dries, thirsting it is.
brain stops rivetting
from image to image.
My body colludes now
Sending signals of
what he does to me.

And my heart.
is torn. Stretched to the limit.
And still has enough to bear it.
What to do, say or think?
What it feels is too convoluted
for the mind to comprehend.

The id, ego, superego
entangled so into one another
cant tell one from the other.
They cant sort this mess out.
Cant pull me from this bout
of
Complexity, confusion and chaos.

Deep down inside
I know what i want
Too scared to tell you.
Or him.
Fearing I'll lose both.
Heaving sighs all day
Aint getting me nowhere.
All becoming too much to bear.
wanting to run away somewhere.

Got everything to lose.
Everything to gain.
Ever been in such a spot?
Stuck between a hard place and a rock?

Pushing myself, towards
the path of bitter truth
that entails facing both head on.

Now my heart pounds
Sighs escape my mouth.
Eyes get stuck on a spot.
All the while thinking
Of what pain I cause.
What joy I am about to pause.
And slowly,
Another sigh escapes me.
Maybe it'll reach his ears.
And I'll know.
Or maybe, it too is stuck.
In Between.

Happy 27th Anniversary

Our actions disliked not us
Repeatedly hath thee told us.
Hope this act is liked by you.

On this day, another glorious year has passed.
of love, affection, understanding and respect.
of fun, joy, surprises and laughter.
of separation, longing, cherishing and realising,
how much she means to me.
how he is my all.
of prayer, spirituality and inner peace.
of transcendence, renunciation and happiness.

Here's wishing you many many more years
of togetherness, love and utmost joy!

Here it is.

A huge breath of air i take in
Every time I think of what you mean to me.
You've been the guiding light
the path finder in this chaos of life.
Find a direction in our aimless banter.
Though you'd like to give us credit,
we are what we are today
all because of you.
Your love and guidance.
Your patience and tolerance.
Your understanding and generosity.
Your wisdom and maturity.
Your ability to keep the spark alive.
In you and Us.
Your immensely huge heart.

How you morph, change and give space.
Just to help us, know us and love us more.
A rarity in today's era,
You are the epitome of the most unique
Deepest unconditional understanding love.
Giving us everything we need and want.
To grow, explore, learn and have fun.
Our happiness being your satisfaction,
you allow passions and dreams
to be followed to the end.
Assuring that you'll be there for us.
All the way.

On this day, know that
we're going to follow through
For you.
All the way.
To give the love you deserve and more.

Your voices. Your kisses. Your embrace.
Will remain with us.
No matter where we are.
Eternal you'll remain
Immortal in our hearts.
As we live your way
and pass you on to the world
and make it more beautiful
Because of you.
And only you.

You are the best. Ever. Forever.

We love you Appa and Amma.

Divya, Gopi, Amrita, Sriram.

(For 26/1/2010)

A journey during a journey...

An old man. Completely white and disheveled hair that has clearly not been combed for days and months. Tattered white clothes. A voice that is almost non-existent as he goes from one compartment to another begging his way through life, for a few more days.

A white jute bag hanging from his hand which is so stiff it almost looks like a bag stand. The right hand, his active one, seems well on its way to join its counterpart. Currently, it can manage a shiver and a quiver as he begs for alms from us miserly snobs in the train. Oh! and he can bless us with it too. Bless us, even us, who haven't given him anything and are just ignoring him except for those furtive guilty glances at him through the corners of our eyes before we shoo him away when we are about to begin succumbing to our conscience.

How is it that these people who have nothing whatsoever seem to have this immense life-long faith in these so called gods who seem to give them nothing but misery, poverty, hunger and for this man a few more days of suffering and humiliation in pittance? Do they not realize that these "gods" were created so they can remain at the bottom of the pyramid? Are they so starved and blinded and hypnotized and desperate that they cannot realize that religion is the biggest lie ever told to them? Can they not see that if they stop being so fatalistic, they can bring better times upon themselves? Or am i completely disillusioned and know nothing about what they are going through as i am talking from the lap of luxury and comfort? i always have half a mind to give it all up and join these people, live with them and tell them that god didn't create man in his own image but man created god in his own image so he can have somewhere to turn to and blame when he cannot understand everything around him. It is a convenient thing, this religion. And then it is an instrument of power to use and abuse such huge masses of people and blind them from reality.

We are a cruel and obnoxious race of people. Sometimes, i feel ashamed to belong to this race of people who consider themselves so superior that they inflict the most horrible of pain on the flora and fauna with whom they share this beautiful earth, which is our one and only home. So blind are we in this quest for power to reign over very nature itself that we are destroying everything we depend on. So high are we in our minds, such a disgusting drunken state, that we are not heeding the caveats that we receive every single year, season, month, day, hour, minute, second...

And we are headed towards our own destruction.

It scares me how we just don't seem to care. At all. very conveniently waiting for someone else to come along and clean up the mess. Playing the blame game always.

i mean we pride ourselves in being the only species with the ability to think and analyze. Why are we not using it and doing it in this 11th hour? We are like sitting ducks! (At least they are paddling beneath the surface!). We aren't going to move till we are hit and by then i really fear it might be too late...

i love this earth and i have met some of the most amazing people who give me hope that all is not lost. i know that we are all capable of love. Like Gorky says, no man is too mean to love. i think we just have to lift the veil set upon us and sometimes we ourselves set to remain in our comfort zones.

Wake up people. Wake up. . . .

Pinch

A pinch.
That's what we need
To have things curtailed.
to feel the pain.
of having less.
To realize how much
we took things for granted.
How much we have to lose
if we don't live life
in simple moderation.

A pinch.
That's what we need.
A very tight one.
Till we feel the pressure
we don't seem to get moving.
A tight spot.
where it's hard to move.
We have to think twice
before you do anything.
Any of those things
we do so thoughtlessly today.
Without a care for the consequences.

A pinch.
What we don't want.
A very tight one.
Is going to begin.
Now. Very soon.
It is going to have
a very tight grasp
on our lives.
Watch it!
Be careful.
watchful.
thoughtful.
Or else
It will be
too very late
to save that which
we treasure the most.

Your Doing

Eyes darting
Ears alert
jumping with joy
heart in my mouth
stomach's a knot
how much more convoluted can i get?

Happy. Angry.
Tense. Joyous.
Nervous. Crazy.
Terse. screaming.
Lame. Laughing.
Giggling. Cussing.

Never so quickly
have moods swung within.
and it's all your doing.
What did history know
of Torture?
they should have
learnt from you.

Ask my heart
which is racing
Ask my mind
which is pacing

My body too.
Knees are jell-o
Hands shivering
fingers are cold.
feet heavy as stone.
Mouth dry as a desert.

What to do?
where to go?
Released yet captured.
Just waiting for a word or two.

The Wait.
Oh! unbearable time!
An hour or two
seem never to pass


And it's all your doing.
Undo this.
Do something.
Say something.
feel something.

And soon.

The Best Teacher

There is an entire dry patch of land with puddles of yesterday's showdown of water (possibly Mother Earth crying in pain from our relentless killing and exploitation).

Today's a drizzly day. It's like those heart wrenching moments. One moment tears are gushing out as if the sluice gates in our tear glands have been let open. Then as they tire and empty, it slows down to a trickle. Or a drizzle.

The drizzle falls on the dry land. And the puddles as well. The effect is seen first only on the puddles in the form of visible ripples that spread across its lenghth and breadth. Each drop of rain leaves an effect on the puddle. Alone they don't seem to be doing much but together they create a beautiful scene as if stars are winking. And slowly they add up and the ripples reach out, connect, mingle and spread.

More importantly, the effect of the steady gentle drizzle is soon enough seen on the parched patches as they too turn from arid and thirsty-looking to moist and alive. Some even have puddles taking birth in the same area. And giving off an intoxicating scent that wafts through the air rejuvenating life. This from the driest most lifeless parts.

Is not Nature the best teacher of life's important lessons as she silently, turning your environs into a classroom?

As I wonder, the drizzle slowly gains momentum and quenches the thirst of many more.. 

You - II

You are a spark. Spur-of-the-moment moments.

Lightning speed thoughts. So powerful.

A burst of creativity you are.

Made up of juices of colours, thoughts, analogies, metaphors, synonyms and antonyms, spilling over and flooding my mind.

Awaiting some direction that i might give you. But what compass can i set for you when u show me a path in this pathless land that be my mind and heart. You lay down roads amidst the uncontrollable, unfathomable whirlpools and hurricanes that erupt within with such power and force, only you are capable of conquering them.

You disturb me. You give me peace in the uneasiness that you set upon me. How strange thou art. You and your ways are as unfathomable as your creator, preserver and destroyer. You have a life of your own and yet are so under control of some puppeteer's strings. Once unleashed, you yourself could create, preserve and destroy. How powerful you are, you know not. You will take up a life of your own.

I worship thee at times and yet at other times, you repel. Maybe I don't want to see my ugly reflections in you. You are so beautiful, passionate, chaotic, free, high. Everything unlike me that endears me, that I want to be. Take control of me. I will gladly let ye possess me. I know I can only go higher with thee.

Higher, higher... above all this...This petty world... too small for you and me. Take me away. Far away. I will rejoice in our isolation. I wonder at your unfathomable wondrousness. But you don't seem to see me. You see me but don't; when I know you are the only one who can. I am awaiting your arrival. Waiting to find myself, through You. And Me. Together.

Come away. We'll break free from this superfluity and regale in one another's necessity.

Sub: Request for an EoI

Y.O.U.
No.1, Somewhere on Earth,
Solar System,
Milky Way Galaxy,
Awesome Universe.

Dear Y.O.U,

Context

M.E is interested in building a sustainable relationship in the calling of life and love. The policy of M.E. is unconditional passionate love,honesty, immense learning throughout, intellectualism, space to the individual for growth, fun-filled times, compassion, willingness to work through possibilities of proverbial storms together, travelling, adventure, reading, writing, growing old together.

Intent

This request for an Expression of Interest is directed at Y.O.U. who also has specialties in love and life, but more than 20 years of experience in the same. M.E. is requesting Y.O.U. to notice M.E. and how much M.E. and Y.O.U. can do together.

Background

M.E. believes there is potential for mighty ardor between the two for a very long time to come. M.E. thinks that it is high time Y.O.U. realized this and broke the silence.

A preliminary meeting will have to take place and an agreement shall be drawn soon enough.

Definitions

Unconditional Love: A powerful emotion that cannot be confined to words. Something that is of no use unless expressed. Unconditional meaning no matter what Y.O.U. does or says, M.E. promises life-long suport and togetherness and love.

Passionate: trait that will make the relationship unrestrained, alive, impulsive, impetuous, thrilling, stirring, warm, hot, sensuous.

Honesty: Virtue that implies Y.O.U and M.E. share and be open with each other.

Learning: Accumulation of anything and everything: facts, information,knowledge, wisdom, ideas, skills,thoughts and so on. Means a process that never stops till one decides we 'know' enough.

Intellectualism: this refers to accumulating, generating, debating and arguing avant-garde ideas, thoughts, ideologies or anything of any kind for that matter to keep the two parties intellectually stimulated.

Space: leaving room for another to grow and retain individuality and private arena. Thus allowing one to realize potentials and develop together.

Fun-Filled times: refers to anything that Y.O.U and M.E. will enjoy doing together (or alone, as the parties please, but preferably jointly).

Compassion: This implies that Y.O.U. and M.E. be kind and understanding with not only each other but all other creatures and try as best as possible to help others.

Willingness to work through proverbial storms: M.E. realizes that this is not going to be a cakewalk but with its ups and downs as everything else in life. But this doesn't mean that Y.O.U. and M.E. become mistrustful and suspicious of each other. But instead in times when storms are brewing in the horizon, stick together and tackle it jointly.

Travelling: this implies visting new places together and enriching their experiences.

Adventure: this refers to all activities that are new to the parties or give them an adrenaline rush. it can be adventure sports and the like or anything they want!

Reading and writing: the two parties shall be avid readers and share and discuss what has been read. And if they so wish they can write and share that too with each other and post-mortem it!

Growing old together: This implies M.E.'s commitment to maintaining a life-long relationship with Y.O.U. It basically means the parties will be together till the end of their days with love, trust, maturity, warmth, understanding and fun.

Note

The interesting party pointed out should contact at:

M.E.
No.1, Waiting Halls,
Patience Boulevard,
Excitement Street,
Planet Earth