It keeps hitting me like an avalanche of thousand boulders how difficult it is to swim against the current even among those in the current or atleast those who proclaim they are. It takes everything in me to not just give up and go away to some place comfortable and convenient. The differences keep showing their ugly (or beautiful, depending on my mood) heads in such stupid places and yet its important for them to show up at one level. They want to be understood but are always misunderstood and somewhere they themselves are to be blamed. They open up when they aint ready at all.
We are SuPPoseD to hide who we truly are (who are we truly?! who i am at this point is also a part of me! but then i guess i am trying to 'hide' this other side of me that i like being most of the time?!!!) for the sake of not hurting those who love and care for us. Sometimes i think i am not ready for this world.. or rather this world isnt ready for me (did that just sound arrogant??! but i really sometimes feel that...! i have to grope and find my niches...) but then again, it never will be till i do something about it, will it?! Some parts of me..parts of me which i really like and enjoy being, are soo indecent and beyond all realms of decorum set by society today. Why does everything we do , think or Be have to be sooo fuckin decided by others? By this very society that i want to change? HOw can i change something if i allow it to constantly influence me? I want to be doing the influencing...fk! This just doesnt make sense!
I was dreaming small. Then was asked to dream big..didnt relent.... but learnt, saw, thought, analyzed and automatically things turned bigger.... to a higher level of understanding... a deeper meaning of what i want to do.... but somewhere in the process of this growth and 'self-googling' , moderation seems to have been lost in me (but then again moderation in whose eyes i say??!! whose?!) ...i cant seem to be grounded... i am pulled and tugged in those higher extreme directions that my thoughts are going towards....but reality and conditioning and so called love and family and religion and fkcing society have be chained somehow....and somehow i cant seem to loosen it or break.. it always comes back to haunt me....
i love my dreams and passions.. they are the fire in my life... they are what move me to places higher than i ever dreamed..even in my dreams!.... change my life.. keep me alive.. move me to tears... keep me strong... But sometimes i just want to be 'unbothered' by these dreams....so i can be carefree.. but then again the feeling of being carefree when so much is on out there just pulls me back.. my dreams define me in many ways...letting them go seems to leave me lost...
This society, as someone rightly said, is a process of hypnosis... it takes everything in one to break free of it... tests everything u ever knew or thought you knew.... and its so essential to break free of this to figure out who you are and what your potential is, what you are capable of and then we just might know what we want to do(if we dont already that is!)... but then realising ur full potential will also probably lead to more confusion.... u can do soooo many things.... !! where to start..i havent realised my full potential... but what little i am aware of.of myself, i know i can do soo many things!
Woow! the things we are capable of... its awe inspiring! i just wish people would put to a better use.... but then again what is 'better'?! why do i keep cross-questioning myself like this?! hehe!
Do u know.. thinking is tiring... especially when its full of oppostion... from within you itself... should become an exercise in those crash diet programs where people somehw never seem satisfied with their bodies for some reason..no matter how beautiful and people make money on that insecurity!! urrgh!
)ok have to stop now(
some days like today just begin and end crazy... dont know where my thoughts will lead me.. dont know if i will ever resolve these questions and doubts...if i will ever know what i am looking for and if i will find it.. and then some other days i am soo absolutely sure of myself. it stuns me too...! like everything's gonna turn out right... :)
But i guess till these 'down' crazy days come, we will never really appreciate the 'up' peaceful days eh?! :)